Last night as I walked into Bible Study, I was blunt...I THINK THEY WANT TO KILL ME, FINISH ME OFF! I walked straight to our study room and laid flat on the floor. I was having a moment.
It was a long exhausting two hours from 4-6pm, the Golden Hours for meltdowns, bickering, fights. Push Mommy to her limits and then push some more. They push every button I have (even those I didn't realize I had). They all want a drink of water at the sametime from the frig that is right in front of the stove...where I am trying to cook. They all want to listen to Christmas songs on my iphone right next to the stove (no not at the kitchen table, its too far from ME). They run the circle in our home like a track (do you have a circle?), they are LOUD. They want into the snack drawer even though I'm COOKING! I know, I know....I'll miss these days.
Back to Bible Study...we are studying James. You know JAMES 1...Count it all JOY, whenever you face trials, the testing of your faith produces PERSEVERANCE (paraphrase). Yep that James. Our challenge from the week prior was to pick one of three (darn, I can't remember all three) but mine was to be SLOW TO ANGER. I wish I could say that I have persevered and mastered it. But I'm sad to say I have not! Not even close!
I'm still convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is using my children to prune me. My children bring out my absolute best....I am called a fun Mom, the bestest Mommy ever, and I make the bestest treats, buy the bestest foods, have fun crafts and tons of kisses, hugs and tickles! But my worst also comes out. I'm a yeller, even when I'm not mad. I hate it. Its a deep rooted, rotten ugly root that not only needs yanked out, but I need some serious repellent so it doesn't come back, maybe even a plastic barrier would help...right over my mouth! GOD IS FAITHFUL!
And as much as I could sit in this place of UGH and just hate this character flaw, I don't. I'm sure that is what Satan would LOVE. For me to just accept it and carry on as if it has no impact. That is a lie!!! A load of crap! It does have lasting effects. My short temper and my loud voice do hurt. I am working on it, everyday. I don't accept it. I truly do hate it. I want to be slow to anger, slow to respond, quick to hear, quick to kiss and hug, quick to apologize and quick to forgive as well. And I'm sure that is what God wants me to do too.
My children are amazing, I want to even say PERFECT (but I won't because you know....every parents in the world will be leaving comments about how their children are perfect and I'm psycho, I maybe but that's besides the point)! My children are quick to forgive! They are precious. We (Brett & I) are very transparent with them. We want them to know yelling is wrong and not as God desires a family to be...and they do know. They (crazy as it sounds) call us out when we are raising our voice. They know our goals (we all have goals in our home, but that's another post)
The most BEAUTIFUL PRECIOUS thing about my absolute worst is (yes, there is something beautiful about it). God is right there. Meeting me right at that moment, never a minute late. All I really need to do it stop and give it all to him. Its not mine to carry anyways. Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." That scripture is so comforting. He doesn't give up on me! He wants to be my strength when I am weak! There is always hope for my failures when Jesus Christ is my Light. Never a day late, never a dollar short, his love never runs out on me!